thump, a-thump, thump, thump...

Knowing that I love someone has never happened to me as it did yesterday. Not in love. Just the regular kind. The, supposedly, least complicated variety. We were having a conversation just like all the others that we have all the time and as we completed the goodbye-play, I almost slipped and said "I love you." Now, there is no reason for me to deny this to myself or to anyone at all, having no fear that the person in question will ever get wind of my epiphany, so I can honestly write that neither the idea or the feeling had ever occurred to me before concerning this person. I've felt rage, the thoroughest tenderness, utter confusion, total have-nothing-to-do-with-it-ever-again-ness (and that again and again over), typical (for me) careless disregard, and so on and on. But never, truly NEVER, love.

It is a nice thing, my new secret. And that it will certainly remain because my newly loved being couldn't handle the knowledge of such a feeling. I must say--feeling like this makes me feel young. And that is a relative thing, so yes, even young for me. It makes me feel like I used to when I thought I was in love with a boy in high school but I was only momentarily attracted to. But similar because that feeling made me feel as if I could pick up mountains and transplant them anywhere that my "love" would like for them to be. Or that I could feed off the thought of my "love" alone. And that everyday could be sweet and that I could have a piece of that sweetness because I was born to wake up and feel like this as a guarantee. As in, if I was alive, then the possibility for me feeling this way is ordained. It is for us all to walk in for as long as the feeling lasts.

I have not felt love that buoys and makes me smile spontaneously and makes me sing out loud even louder and with more ardor than I already do in a very, very long while. All the expressions of this I come up with make this love seem like it is that nasty, touch-me-not kind, but it is not. It is that I only just realized that my friend is not as tangential a player in my life as I had believed. He is essential. He is undeniably necessary. My walk would limp if he didn't stand up and take his place at my round table. And I really want to say so but know that the fall-out would be disastrous. Utter calamity is what I would unleash, so I'm going to leave everything as it is. But these smiles had better get gotten under control before we next see one another. I plan to not give myself away. Even though I staunchly believe that if you love someone you MUST tell them so. There are no excuses. Although, this time, I cow away from my own "philosophy" because some people would rather not be loved, like my friend, have you noticed that? They don't want you to lay down on train tracks for them. All they can see is that you might expect for them to do the same thing for you one day and they're not sure if they would do it.

So, that's why I shush. For my friend's sake. In consideration of my friend's too faint heart. I am content to let mine thump, a-thump, thump for the both of us. And to let that thump make me full. Full up of my love, full up of the possibility of sunshiny days, full up of the secret wish that my love will be returned one day.

Complete shock is what I've been working through since my epiphany. I hope it isn't just the season. I've already got the soundtrack to this new love half completed.

Playlist to follow shortly.