My Christmas Eve 5

These lists are very lazy, but I don't have the time to craft anything. Just spew is all I can manage. Today.


1. I still have Christmas shopping to do. I have to get something for Mama and Daddy and something ELSE for my sister. She doesn't believe that one present is worthy of her. She used to make these epic lists for Santa. She'd grab a copy of the JCPenney catalog, the weekly circulars for Toys 'R Us and Lionel's Play World and get to work. This was serious business for my sister. And don't think she didn't start in Summer because she did. Her list went through draft after draft after draft. It never crossed her mind that she was being unreasonable. In any way. We're talking pages here. College-ruled notebook paper. No tablets for her. Single spaced. She'd be sure to include whichever retailer had an item she wanted for the lowest price. There was that consideration. Still. We should have raised her better. This child was/this woman is unapologetically materialistic. My sister and I used to get an obscene number of presents from Santa, and then ones from our parents on top of those. Darling baby sister was never satisfied. She'd tear through all her presents and sit on top of a pile of wrapping paper and bows surveying all her new baubles and clothes with this eerily straight face. Do you know what she was doing? I'll tell you because you'd never guess. On the complete opposite end from satisfaction, she was checking off all the things she HADN'T gotten from the final version of her list. We really should have raised her better but my parents and I had no idea what we were doing when she came along. None of us had any business raising a child. I mean we know much much more now than we did then, we were so young, you know. We should've taken her to church Christmas morning at least once, should've done thousands of things to try to detach her from the world of things (as we Montessori teachers are fond of saying about our students who are a bit too keen on Show-'n'-Tell), but we didn't. Considering all the things we didn't know that we shouldn't have done to/for/with her, things could be much worse. She could've turned out really sort of monstrous. Considering. As it is, there are just lots of episodes where my sister gets her heart broken when people go to a store to buy something for themselves or someone else and don't consider her. It really hurts her feelings when people shop and never think of what she might like from such and such a place. Or like yesterday, she came over to my apartment and I was eating take-out. She stood there positively aghast, hands on hips, head tilted to the side, such consternation in her brow and she said "You KNEW I was coming and you didn't get me anything? What were you thinking! Now you have to give me HALF of YOURS! You could've prevented this if you would've just gotten ME something when you got YOU something! What is wrong with you?!? You KNEW I was coming!!!" And she was serious. We should've raised her better but...oh well. She's ours. Don't judge her. It's our fault. As I said, she could be much worse.

2. My grandmother is going to really curse at me when I finally get to her. I was supposed to have left home 2.5 hours ago. I have to go to the grocery store for Christmas dinner as well as present shopping. Booooooooo! Hisssssssssssss!!! I HATE Christmas moms!

3. Last night my cousin and I were so bored that I texted a bunch of people I hadn't contacted in AGES! Not expecting any sort of response, you understand. It was like prank calling, only the messages weren't mean so much as random. My cousin and I were getting quite a kick out of it. You never know who is waiting for YOU to make the next move on the communication front. People are really, generally, bad at keeping in touch, aren't they? It's such a shame. To be thinking about someone and then do nothing by way of seeing how they are when all you have to do is try. As far as I'm concerned at least I have an actual excuse. Mine's pride. Can't shake it. I believe in godawful (my girlfriends keep telling me) turns. What can I say? To always be the one calling and writing isn't fair. Both parties deserve to feel wanted...but then there are some relationships where things like this don't ever enter into it. I would call (and have) Greenhushpuppies 100 times in a row, at all seven of the various numbers in the state of Georgia that I have for her to tell her about some awful date I just got back from or the fabulously loud color I found for my toe nails at the beauty supply store. And then I'd call her family in Colorado, whom I've never met, and the ones in Florida that I have, if she didn't answer any of the Georgia numbers. And it isn't just her, there are lots of people I'd do that for. Boyfriends? No. Distant friends? Uh uh. Not a chance. It's really stupid, I'm told, but I can't shake my theory on turns.

3. Then there are people who do excellent Grimace mimicry who, I've decided, I will take the upper hand and do the work for both of us. Because it's worth it. I will always call. And I will always write. And I will drop anything to be there. Where ever I need to be to get things out of the clouds and down on solid ground. For real, this time. I'm a sort of grown up, now, and I've realized that some people need you to do whatever you can to help them find their way to you. They try, you know, but really have no idea how to navigate really human pathways. But quality is quality and you don't forget that easily. And when you see what you want for your life, it's up to you to get things going. I'm ready for a big work of this kind.

4. ON WORK: I have to update my resume and get my references in order to look for a new teaching job for next year. Right after Christmas. For real. AND I started a new story. I think I will ACTUALLY finish this one before the year is out.

5. From my friend Zesireo, I got four Bessie Head titles. I can't believe it, but a word I use a lot, Bessie uses an awful lot. Tenderness. When you say this word to certain people, you can see and feel them reduce you. They think, 'Oh. She's one of those.' And then their face looks at you like you smell. But they shouldn't do that. It's all right, really, to use words like "heart" and "caress" and "adore"...and all these others I use that make people pause, sometimes. Some people might never be able to force it past their lips, but they need tenderness and caress and heart and adoration, too.

It isn't such a bad thing to admit to. And if you find someone you can trust, who won't shout it out (and shatter the image of yourself that you've built up), you should go after it. Some tenderness, that is.